Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
