You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
