I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
