If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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