I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
