I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
