I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
