Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
