he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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