If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This baby is an asshole
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
