Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
