Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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