I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
