Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
