I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
