I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
