i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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