i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
