I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize