Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
