The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
