ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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