Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i came on her dog
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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