I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
