Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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