did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
