After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
