he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
