so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize