why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you made out with another girl for some wings
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
