Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
