im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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