Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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