You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
