I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
