see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
