Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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