you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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