I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
being pregnant is like rehab
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
