The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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