My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
