she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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