Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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