I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
