just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
