I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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