I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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