can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
