Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
