Will you blow on my dice?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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