My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
