I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
