Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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