he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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