From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
