Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
