My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize