i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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