i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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